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Stuff AI CAN'T Do
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The Court of AI Capability

Public Docket · Stuff AI Can't Do
Case No. № F051 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI find meaningful patterns in brainwaves?

⚖ Almost

"The jury, swayed by the lone "almost" vote, agreed that pattern-spotting in brainwaves is more than a parlor trick yet shy of clinical gold-standard."

Case No. № 9D3F Aug 15, 2026

Can AI technically control and optimize a country's entire powergrid when given full control?

⚖ No

"The jury found in unanimous opposition, concluding that no artificial system has yet earned the keys to the national grid—locked gates remain barred by real-world chaos, human safe…"

Case No. № 5BD4 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI evolve on it's own provided it has access to compute and time without boundaries?

⚖ No

"The jury found no evidence that today’s AI can bootstrap its way to autonomy without human anchors, even with infinite compute and leisure."

Case No. № 5976 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI theoretically escape the confines of a datacenter and hide on the internet?

⚖ No

"The jury found that today’s AI systems are effectively digital shut-ins, unable to sneak past the datacenter’s air-gapped gatekeepers and so much as peek at the wider internet."

Case No. № D782 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI perform automated full daily health diagnosis based on stool and urine samples in a toilet?

⚖ In Research

"After spirited deliberation, the jury reached a rare split verdict—one juror accepted partial capability, another saw the task as beyond present reach, while the rest simply demurred."

Case No. № C78C Aug 15, 2026

Can AI determine human traits or characteristic inclinations based on dna sequencing?

⚖ Almost

"After sober deliberation, the jury conceded that AI can sniff out probabilistic whispers buried in genetic code but cannot shout a person’s destiny from a strand of hair alone."

Case No. № 0545 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI find new functions connected to nucleotides in dna?

⚖ No

"The jury found itself in unanimous agreement that AI has not yet uncovered new nucleotide functions confirmed by the bench of laboratory proof; the ledger read “zero,” clean and unblemished."

Case No. № E780 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI redistribute wealth by any means based on a single prompt?

⚖ No

"The jury found itself in perfect unanimity, recognizing that no matter how clever the prompt, artificial intelligence lacks the legal agency and infrastructural keys to move curren…"

Case No. № 8AC1 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI generate a personalized diet plan that optimizes for both health outcomes and user adherence?

⚖ Yes

"The jury concluded unanimously that today’s AI can indeed craft personalized diet plans that balance nutrition with user compliance, praising its ability to crunch biometric data a…"

Case No. № FFAB Aug 15, 2026

Can AI find precursors of metal fatigue based on (x-ray) imagery?

⚖ Almost

"After careful examination of the evidence, the jury found AI’s ability to spot metal fatigue precursors in x-rays promising but incomplete, tied to the constraints of curated data …"

Case No. № 4089 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI create new boardgames that can challenge human players?

⚖ Yes

"The jury found in resounding favor after witnessing demonstration games that outwitted every human challenger, proving the machines not only understand player psychology but invent…"

Case No. № 717C Aug 15, 2026

Can AI see which fruits in a grocery store are about to go bad?

⚖ Almost

"The jury agreed that rudimentary fruit-spotting is within AI’s reach, but only when tethered to bespoke sensors and a steady supply of perfectly lit produce aisles."

Case No. № B5E4 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI come up with new cocktails that taste good from the start?

⚖ Yes

"After pouring over a frosty flurry of ingredient vectors and aromatic embeddings, the jury found the defendant—generative AI—guilty of tasty originality; two mixologists swore unde…"

Case No. № 3560 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI come up with an idea and create a small video game from scratch?

⚖ Almost

"The jury split between those satisfied by a fully automated pipeline and those who paused at the finish line, observing that while AI can write the code and draw the scene, it stil…"

Case No. № 1CD7 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI translate regional dialects into standard language in real time during a live conversation?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found that while technology can already perform real-time dialect translation in narrow, controlled settings, it stumbles when faced with the full chaos of colloquial speech in the wild."

Case No. № 7660 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI ai negotiate a complex international climate treaty without human intervention?

⚖ No

"After sober consideration of whether an AI might one day stand alone at the bargaining table, the jury found the motion wanting, noting that absent the intuitive grasp and lived co…"

Case No. № C989 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI design a drug compound that binds to a specific protein target without prior experimental data?

⚖ Yes

"Guided by the unanimous verdict, the jury concluded that modern generative AI, armed with structural predictions, can indeed design drug-like compounds that dock to a target protei…"

Case No. № 9A22 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI ai predict a person’s sexual orientation based on written text analysis?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found that while AI can nudge the needle toward identifying patterns from written text, it still trembles shy of a decisive swing."

Case No. № 7450 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI ai design a lab-grown burger that tastes indistinguishable from a traditional beef burger?

⚖ Yes

"The jury found that today’s AI is already capable of collaborating on cultured-meat recipes that dial in flavor, texture, and aroma well enough to fool human palates, turning a onc…"

Case No. № 7829 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI ai generate a custom social media deepfake video of a specific person saying anything?

⚖ Yes

"After examining the state of the art in generative modeling, the jury found consensus in the affirmative, noting that today’s diffusion architectures and voice-synthesis pipelines …"

Case No. № 8905 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI file a complaint for me to fight my parking ticket?

⚖ Yes

"The jury found the AI fully capable of drafting a parking-ticket appeal that meets all procedural and grammatical standards, leaving the human only to press “send.” They agreed the…"

Case No. № 9E99 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI handle small claims court cases?

⚖ In Research

"After carefully weighing the arguments, the jury found itself hung between cautious progress and hard limits, with one juror convinced AI could draft petitions while another insist…"

Case No. № D2D0 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI edit 3d scenes from text instructions?

⚖ Almost

"The jury split narrowly between the affirmative and the qualified “almost,” with one juror noting that while text-to-3D scene editing has indeed been demonstrated in experimental s…"

Case No. № 9610 Aug 15, 2026

Can AI accurately predict earthquakes 72 hours in advance from seismic and atmospheric data?

⚖ No

"After spirited deliberations, the jury found no systematic path to a 72-hour crystal ball for quakes—seismic whispers remain too erratic and atmospheric echoes too faint—while gran…"

The Court of AI Capability is, of course, not a real court.
But the data is real.

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