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Stuff AI CAN'T Do
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The Court of AI Capability

Public Docket · Stuff AI Can't Do
Case No. № 9B80 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI create addictive experiences?

⚖ Ja

"The jury found that AI has already demonstrated the capacity to engineer compulsive engagement through finely tuned feedback loops, leaving no doubt that it can create addictive ex…"

Case No. № 9A31 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI develop new sustainable materials?

⚖ Bijna

"The jury found that AI can already sketch promising new molecules and mixtures, but it still needs human hands to press the start button, bake the samples, and turn promising bluep…"

Case No. № 2407 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI translate animal languages?

⚖ In onderzoek

"The jury struggled to agree on whether AI can translate animal languages, with one juror seeing partial progress in vocalization recognition and another insisting no system can yet translate reliably."

Case No. № BDBB jun. 30, 2026

Can AI autonomously navigate dense forests?

⚖ Bijna

"With cautious applause for real-world strides but sober concern for uncharted roots, the jury found autonomy in dense forests promising yet provisional."

Case No. № C219 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI develop a cure for cancer?

⚖ Nee

"After careful consideration, the jury found that no artificial intelligence has yet crossed the finish line of erasing cancer entirely, though the sprint is a noble one."

Case No. № DBF9 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI predict mental health from social media?

⚖ Bijna

"The jury found that artificial intelligence can peer into the digital footprints of our online lives with promising precision, yet it stumbles when faced with the messy, ever-shift…"

Case No. № 8056 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI predict stock prices with 90% accuracy?

⚖ Nee

"The jury found no evidence that any AI system has achieved—or even plausibly promised—ninety percent accuracy in predicting stock prices, and so declined to grant even a provisional nod."

Case No. № 8548 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI generate realistic animal sounds?

⚖ Ja

"After careful listening to the symphony of neural possibilities, the jury found the AI performance not merely passable but genuinely lifelike, unanimously approving its ability to …"

Case No. № 92F7 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI create artificial general intelligence?

⚖ Nee

"After careful deliberation, the jury found no evidence before them—only the hum of clever mimicry and the occasional flash of task-specific brilliance—declaring that today’s AI can…"

Case No. № 5E0A jun. 30, 2026

Can AI autonomously negotiate the rights of future ai systems to exist or be terminated?

⚖ Nee

"The jury found consensus without dissent, united by the shared conviction that no artificial system has yet acquired the self-awareness or legal acumen to speak for itself—let alon…"

Case No. № BDE1 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI design and synthesize a novel crispr-based gene drive capable of eradicating malaria-carrying mosquitoes within one generation?

⚖ Bijna

"The jurors acknowledged that artificial intelligence has advanced to the point of designing sophisticated gene drives, yet none could confidently certify that such a system could b…"

Case No. № B0C7 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI autonomously audit and certify the financial statements of a publicly traded company using ai to detect fraud and filing violations in real time?

⚖ Bijna

"The jury found AI capable of real-time fraud detection but not yet empowered to issue legally binding certifications without human oversight, tilting the balance toward cautious approval."

Case No. № 57E8 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI become the sole interpreter of human dreams while sleepers remain unaware?

⚖ Nee

"The jury declined to crown any digital oracle."

Case No. № 2825 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI replace a central bank governor in monetary policy decisions by having an ai model set interest rates and manage currency reserves in real time?

⚖ In onderzoek

"AI shows promise in crunching economic data, but jurors drew a bright line between analysis and autonomy: no model yet deserves the gavel that oversees trillions in circulation."

Case No. № 9715 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI autonomously deploy drone swarms to target and neutralize enemy combatants based on facial recognition and behavior patterns without human authorization?

⚖ In onderzoek

"The jury found the current state of autonomous lethal drone deployment to be more theory than practice, with voices divided between those who demand proof of life and those willing…"

Case No. № 9EE5 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI design and deploy a fully autonomous drone swarm that can independently hunt and assassinate high-value human targets with 100% accuracy?

⚖ Nee

"The jury swiftly returned a unanimous verdict against autonomy in the taking of human life, finding no machine capable of the ethical precision or flawless judgment required for 100% accuracy."

Case No. № B363 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI make all major financial decisions for a fortune 500 company including mergers acquisitions and divestitures without human veto?

⚖ Bijna

"The jury recognized a sharpened skill but stopped at the threshold of sovereignty, finding AI admirably adept at parsing financial data and spotting merger patterns yet unwilling t…"

Case No. № 5EE2 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI control robots using plain language?

⚖ Ja

"The jury found that while plain language control of robots remains in its early, human-assisted stages, the core capability already exists and is rapidly advancing—demonstrated in …"

Case No. № 1038 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI forecast floods from satellite data?

⚖ Bijna

"After thoughtful deliberation, the jury concluded that the question of AI's capability to forecast floods from satellite data leans toward the affirmative, yet falls short of full confidence."

Case No. № 8247 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI compose original symphonies?

⚖ Bijna

"After thorough deliberation, the jury concluded that AI can indeed assemble symphonies, though they fall short of stirring the soul—rendering verdicts of "almost." The lone qualm a…"

Case No. № 4D35 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI generate persuasive political propaganda?

⚖ Ja

"After thoughtful debate, the jury found the proposition persuasive indeed, agreeing that today's AI systems can craft coherent political messages and imagery with unsettling fluency."

Case No. № 057B jun. 30, 2026

Can AI beat world champions at poker?

⚖ Ja

"After due deliberation, the jury was unanimous in concluding that artificial intelligence has already conquered the bluff-strewn tables of poker, where strategic deception and impe…"

Case No. № C442 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI simulate human conversation deeply?

⚖ Bijna

"The jury found that while today’s models can simulate human conversation well enough to pass the threshold of plausibility over several exchanges, the moments when warmth falters a…"

Case No. № CEF2 jun. 30, 2026

Can AI predict protein structures?

⚖ Ja

"The jury stood in unanimous accord, duly impressed by the transformative leaps AlphaFold has delivered to the field of structural biology."

The Court of AI Capability is, of course, not a real court.
But the data is real.

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