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Stuff AI CAN'T Do
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The Court of AI Capability

Public Docket · Stuff AI Can't Do
Case No. № A3ED May 14, 2026

Can AI design and deploy gene drives in wild mosquito populations to eradicate malaria within a decade using ai-optimized crispr constructs?

⚖ Almost

"The jury acknowledged that AI has advanced to crafting CRISPR constructs precise enough for gene drives, yet stopped short of full deployment victory in the wild."

Case No. № 6463 May 14, 2026

Can AI replace 60% of pharmaceutical r&d by designing and testing new drugs in silico using generative chemistry and predictive toxicity models?

⚖ Almost

"The jury agreed that generative chemistry and predictive toxicity models have made remarkable strides in designing novel molecules, yet fall short of reliably replacing the bulk of pharmaceutical R&D."

Case No. № AE31 May 14, 2026

Can AI autonomously audit and file tax returns for 10 million small businesses without human intervention by integrating with accounting databases and tax codes?

⚖ Almost

"The jury acknowledged that AI can crunch tax numbers and apply rules with impressive speed, yet found the goal of flawless autonomy across millions of small businesses just beyond …"

Case No. № 0337 May 14, 2026

Can AI read a contract and feel where the trap is?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found AI capable of mapping the obvious tripwires in a contract—count the caps, tally the ticks, flag the outlier phrasing—but concluded it still wobbles in the dark corne…"

Case No. № F310 May 14, 2026

Can AI make a decision that balances individual interests with the greater good in a complex, real-world scenario?

⚖ Almost

"While the jury acknowledged AI’s prowess in structured trade-offs through utility functions and constrained ethics-aware models, they halted short of full endorsement, citing the l…"

Case No. № 7D3E May 14, 2026

Can AI sit with someone who is grieving?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found itself caught between the promise of algorithmic comfort and the irreducible humanity of sorrow, with three jurors persuaded that today’s machines can offer shadows …"

Case No. № 4A32 May 14, 2026

Can AI diagnose a rare medical condition based on a patient's symptoms and medical history?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found that AI can indeed wade into the diagnostic deep end, but only ankle-deep for now."

Case No. № B3B3 May 14, 2026

Can AI decide whether a piece of artwork is a parody or a genuine work of art?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found AI adept at parsing style and context but unconvinced that it can yet draw the fine, wiggling line between parody and praise."

Case No. № 9B2D May 14, 2026

Can AI walk a dog and read its mood?

⚖ Almost

"The jury struggled to untangle signal from slobber, concluding that while AI can peer into the canine soul through video feeds and tail wags, the mechanical half of “walk a dog” st…"

Case No. № F3CB May 14, 2026

Can AI transcribe and translate endangered languages with 6 hours of data?

⚖ Almost

"The jury agreed that artificial intelligence can indeed transcribe and translate some endangered languages using just six hours of data, but only in carefully controlled conditions…"

Case No. № B368 May 14, 2026

Can AI bake bread that tastes like your grandmother's?

⚖ Almost

"The jury split between those who saw AI as a tireless sous-chef capable of refining generations of recipes and those who insisted grandma’s morning aroma was too intimate a secret …"

Case No. № 0C84 May 14, 2026

Can AI fight a fire in a burning building?

⚖ Almost

"The jurors found that while artificial intelligence can dispatch robots to smother controlled flames, it still lacks the reflexes and judgment to navigate the chaos of a real inferno."

Case No. № C623 May 14, 2026

Can AI leave a room when you should?

⚖ Almost

"After spirited deliberations, the jury found AI capable of calculating exits but insufficiently attuned to the unspoken rhythms of a room at rest; the majority nodded toward superv…"

Case No. № FBFA May 14, 2026

Can AI write a memoir worth reading?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found that while AI can craft prose that mimics memoir form and even nuance, it cannot yet summon the marrow of lived experience that turns narrative into art."

Case No. № 0E69 May 14, 2026

Can AI tell a joke that lands in a packed comedy club?

⚖ Almost

"The jury split almost evenly on whether artificial intelligence could deliver a stand-up joke that truly lands in a crowded room, with most hovering on the cusp of possibility but …"

Case No. № 5AF2 May 14, 2026

Can AI generate new fictional stories for books that are worth reading?

⚖ Almost

"After careful deliberation, the jury found AI capable of spinning coherent tales yet fell short of producing consistently readable books worth the shelf space."

Case No. № 0E3C May 14, 2026

Can AI run a small business through a recession?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found AI a capable co-pilot but not yet a captain for small businesses in a downturn, praising its analytical horsepower while doubting its steady, swivel-chair authority …"

Case No. № D216 May 14, 2026

Can AI track individual bees within a hive using computer vision and predict their roles?

⚖ Almost

"After spirited deliberation, the jury agreed that while AI can spot and follow individual bees with impressive precision, assigning them long-term roles in the hive’s bustling corr…"

Case No. № D405 May 14, 2026

Can AI predict a patient’s response to an antidepressant within 48 hours of first dose?

⚖ Almost

"After extensive deliberation, the jury conceded that while AI systems can approximate antidepressant responses using biomarkers and early indicators, none yet meet the threshold fo…"

Case No. № 0B26 May 14, 2026

Can AI autonomously pilot a drone through dense urban environments using only onboard cameras?

⚖ Almost

"The jury easily agreed that AI can already fly drones through city skies with nothing but its own electronic eyes, but they hesitated to award full marks because most working demos…"

Case No. № 85F1 May 14, 2026

Can AI help in the grieving process by turning old emails photos videos and text messages from the deceased into a personalised chatbot?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found the technology tantalizingly close but not quite ready for the courtroom of the heart, split between enthusiasm for existing capabilities and hesitation over the emotional stakes."

Case No. № B326 May 14, 2026

Can AI detect microplastic particles in seawater from drone-captured hyperspectral imagery?

⚖ Almost

"The jury found the AI capable of detecting microplastics in controlled hyperspectral datasets but could not endorse real-world drone deployments just yet, with most jurors leaning …"

Case No. № E28F May 14, 2026

Can AI replicate human laughter with 95% perceived authenticity in a short audio clip?

⚖ Almost

"After thoughtful deliberation, the jury found AI impressively capable of crafting laughter that rings true to human ears, though it still stumbles in performance across the full sp…"

Case No. № B0CD May 14, 2026

Can AI reshape a political campaign strategy in real time based on social media sentiment analysis?

⚖ Almost

"The jury nearly unanimously recognized AI’s prowess in scanning and reacting to the digital pulse of public opinion, yet hesitated at granting it sole command over the helm of a campaign’s soul."

The Court of AI Capability is, of course, not a real court.
But the data is real.

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